Convicted

Have you ever listened to a sermon and felt like the paster was talking directly to you? Like Jesus himself might have been like look my child this is where you need to change. This is where you are falling short.

I just finished listening to the Thrill of Obedience by Francis Chan and it might as well been having a one on one with my Heavenly Father.

Francis started by saying satan doesn't mind if you get convicted as long as you don't do anything about it. As long as we don't repent and change our ways satan could care less. The story of repentance is taught over and over again in the New Testament by John the Baptist, Jesus and then Paul.

I have heard the story of the rich young man so many times. But I had never heard it along side the story of Zacchaeus. When the rich young man turns away from Jesus he does so saddened. But when Zacchaeus repented, he had joy!

Zacchaeus got to a point where he was just like you know what I want peace . I can try to justify all these things I'm doing but I'm sick of it. He gave it all over to Christ.

After I listen to the sermon I turn to Andrea, who also just finished listening. I almost say forget it but I look down at the simple prayer I have wrote. [I want to leave nothing behind.] So I say, hey let's go ask the receptionist if she has anything we can pray for her about.

So we say a prayer and walk down to the desk. This is it. We're doing something. It's not that big, heck, we should be doing a lot more but at least this is something.

She not there. The desk is closed for the night.

Ok God! Really! I don't understand. I know your plan is bigger than mine and I must rejoice in that.


So I'm back in my room. Still struggling. Wondering how to change. Praying. Dear God, make me bold, make me on fire for you because nothing, NOTHING else matters.

Thats how I'm feeling. I'm sick of it too. Sick of being convicted. I know there is hell and I know gobs of people who are going there and I what just sit here! If I know the way to heaven, the only way to heaven, shouldn't I be sharing it like there's no tomorrow? Cause there could be no tomorrow!

Right now all I want to do is sell everything I own. Buy a one way ticket back to Uganda and serve Jesus. This isn't a new feeling. Its one I've felt since Africa. Heck, its one I've felt since my first missions trip to Jamaica.

But I think that's what Jesus is trying to show me. It's easy to be radical about Jesus on a missions trip. When that's your Job. He wants to stretch me.

Right now I just feel broken, stuck, stagnant.

I long to be close to Jesus. It is the greatest desire of my heart! In Matthew 16:20, which is right after Jesus tells his disciples to go into the world and preach the good news to all creation, it says the Lord worked with them.

"If you aren't experiencing God, Go spread the good news!!" - Francis Chan

So this is where I am. This is what I'm think sitting here in France in my hotel.

This is my heart. My struggle. My brokenness.